A Lesson in The Life of a Very Stable TEFL Genius

“Okay everyone, sit down.… Can anyone remember what “sit down” means?”

It’s at this point that I realise the little darlings probably aren’t going to listen to me, and most likely will continue to eat crayons and poke each other in the eye for most of the lesson unless drastic action is taken.

I look over at the Chinese teacher, who is supposed to assist me in these moments. She is already several kitty filters deep on WeChat (China’s version of Whatsapp/Facebook/Twitter combined) so clearly I am once again on my own. 

I brace myself.

“Who’s ready for Wheels on The Bus?!?!”

A stampede of little feet rush towards the projector screen in front of which I had stood unnoticed for five blissful minutes. 

Some more excited than others for English class.

Over an hour - and what feels like several hundred renditions of The Wheels on The Bus and Old McDonald - later, I’ve been cuddled, prodded, slapped across the face and kissed multiple times by my class of gorgeous two year old babies. One child won't stop punching whoever stands beside him, one peed themself and another fell over for no apparent reason and started crying. I have one punch-victim on my hip and am bribing the rest of the class to stop running away with stickers. A litter of paper airplanes lie at our feet, a failed attempt at a worksheet involving colouring in/tracing the letter F. Right now I can think of one or two choice words that definitely wouldn't have been appropriate for the phonics portion of this lesson. Judy (the Chinese teacher) is showing no sign of intervening and bringing an end to the class that was only supposed to be half an hour long. Another punch lands. I think it's time to admit defeat and put on Peppa Pig. 

Same.

In China, children as young as two attend school and whilst I am sure this has many educational benefits on down the line, it definitely doesn’t make things easy for the first time TEFL teacher who has no clue what she is doing. They have no real idea what this school gig is about yet and as a result can be very unruly. It also takes an extreme amount of energy to help them with every simple task or exercise. As well as holding English lessons (for which expectations of the students are crazy high) I also usually have to chip in with spoon feeding, clothes changing, wiping up after and wrangling the class during dance and PE lessons. Good job they’re cute. 

“Teacher Laura, what about the homework sheet?” Asks the Chinese teacher, still holding her phone aloft. 

I look at her incredulously. These kids can barely hold a pencil. 

Before learning just how young my class would be I had amassed a selection of activity books and worksheets. I soon realised however, that seeing as they couldn’t yet write in their native language, it was unlikely they would manage full sentences in English. So far we had just been learning the alphabet and simple instructions/vocabulary through songs, games and the occasional colouring-in sheet. 

Front - back: Making a paper airplane with homework. Tracing hand on homework. Eating crayon. Thinking about eating crayon.

I pull out a cut and stick exercise relating to animals. 

“I was thinking maybe they could do a ‘match the sentence’ homework today.”

Haha. You can try that one in your Chinese class Judy. 

“Okay everyone, say thank-you Teacher Laura.”

A chorus of “Than-you teach-ah Lola” rings out. I side-eye Judy, wondering how on Earth she thinks they’re ready for sentences when they can’t even say my name yet.

Safe to say I am exhausted, and it's not even 9am (school starts before 8 o'clock here). But their big beaming faces, looking up at me like I am the coolest teacher ever makes it all feel worthwhile.

Teaching Wan Wan important life skills, like selfies.

JAN 2018 - I know at times my humour is quite deprecatory. Hopefully in future I will have time to compile a post about all of the amazing things there are to do/see/experience in China on your one day off a week. Yes it was tiring, and frustrating at times, but looking back at this time from my current desk job, I can 10/10 confirm that it was much more interesting and rewarding. It was an unforgettable experience that I will always cherish. The kids especially will always hold a special place in my heart. Their energy was really what kept me going. Furthermore, I can muster up a whole lot more sympathy for a crying two year old than I can for most grown-ups who phone into the EA.

Sure slap on some sudo and he'll be fine.

So. Cute.

Not what I had in mind when telling Melody to dream big...